Quick before the bell rings!

Do you ever get the feeling that the universe is some sort of play and you are an audience of one. If you look closely any random situation you'll find yourself in deep personal meaning. OK OK. Yes! I am a huge narcissist. I admit it. Let's put that aside for a sec.

Anyhoo, I found myself in this “life changes and career development” class at the local Community College, they secretly offer free health care. This classroom offers a wealth of opportunity to examine the human condition, it reminds me of taking the ol' shame train (the bus) from San Francisco to Petaluma. I am often tempted to put my purse down on the seat next to me and avoid eye contact.

Here are some of the star players; “Hotmess”, “Ex-husband carbon copy”,“Southern Belle”, “Ultimate single Mom”, the “almost divorce-e” and “Miss Obnoxious”. These are just a few, the rest seem to consist of paroleees and halfway house residents. All nice people, all messed up. I guess I do belong with them, no matter how much denial I throw at it.

Hotmess is over 300lbs and walks with a cane, although she seems to have no walking impairment. On any given class, she can rattle off AMAZING aliments, and is elated to regale us with the details. She has had many Grand mal seizures during class. I have witnessed the mild twitching and distant eyes. If my ex-husband wasn't an epileptic, and I hadn't seen the old shake n' bake many times on my own, I still wouldn't believe it.

She is deathly allergic to all sugar substitutes, but is also diabetic, so is forced to constantly eat cookies and candy to keep her blood sugar up. She rocks and shakes and cries throughout every class. She suffers from bleeding ulcers, nerve damage from an attempted work out and often harbors the common cold for months at a time. I never met anyone so wrapped up in their own, obviously fabricated illnesses. She has alienated so much of the room that people won't sit on near her. If the classroom was a boat it would tip over.

The Southern Belle is beautiful and perfectly groomed divorced woman, she has worked under cover for a narcotics sting, is a carpenter, and is deeply religious. She is so perfect that it is hard not to stare in admiration. I know you know the type. She is perfect. Almost angelic, she often receives huge flower arrangement in class and has many male suitors. Probably women too, I am straight as an arrow, but I don't know if I could turn her down.

Ultimate single Mom is usually fighting the unhealthy living conditions and management of HUD housing. She works as a debt collector. Her POS car is always breaking down. She dresses like she grabbed the clothes closest to cash register at Goodwill. Super nice woman but she has no self esteem.

The Almost Divorce-e has been living with her husband in marital disharmony for over three years, finally started the legal papers and is moving out. I casually told her to get out of the situation a month ago. I guess no one else ever bothered to mention it. I had just met her, was she waiting for my permission?

Ah yes...Miss Obnoxious, why is she in this class, she nows EVERYTHING! She will also give you obvious advise in great detail and sing her own praises ad nauseum. Today, as I ran around campus trying to turn in scholarships and financial aid, she shoved another one in front of me and talked the teacher into recommending me. she is a hard pill to swallow.I guess she is ok.

On the way back home today, it occurred to me that this classroom is like a theatrical performance of my own psyche. I swear I wasn't “Puffn the Magic Dragon”...

Hotmess pisses me off the most because I hate people who enjoy the attention of their illnesses. My mother was sick, she reveled in it and it always came first, until she died . Then, all she left me with was her heredity. I too ended up with Diabetes. I spend my childhood in hospitals and funeral homes. I resent Hotmess for being the weak tit on the mama cat and because I think I am so strong. I am also the only other student sitting on that side of the room, I can't seem to move away from her.

Miss Obnoxious, well that's obvious, I too am a Alfa female and struggle to find humility. Look how I pushed Almost Divorce-e into freedom with just a few choice words. They all seem to represent parts of my life and it's recent resurrection. Even a more exaggerated version my ex husband picks up on me. Ultimate single mom, I fear her the most, she is what I am so scared of becoming. Funny, she has been my friend from day one, and we have always stuck together.

Will we all succeed? Will we all make our dreams come true? What part of their psyche do I represent?

Will blog for food...

It has come to my attention that my laptop is my modern version of the 7-11 parking lot. I sort of sit around it waiting for odd jobs to come up. I would strip but I would have to pay them to see me naked, I know this for a fact. You know who you are! I pick up data processing and telemarketing jobs that the India outsource offices would turn up thier collective noses at. When a good opportunity pulls up, I hop on.

I've also taken Obama's message to heart, we should all return to college. It's a great place to hide out until the economic shit storm subsides. Plus the quad is an awesome place to pick up a game of Magic the Gathering or you can always join the gay/lesbian alliance. Unfortunately, Starbucks have infiltrated most campuses, so this is no place to get coffee. I would rather drink a hot steaming cup of bum pooh, I know this for a fact. You know who you are.

So if you are still reading my blog...this is the survival story of the middle aged, middle class hipster mom, down and out in the United States of America. Maybe I can give you some tips, make you feel better about your life or just give you something to laugh about. Stay tuned...

And in the begining there was...

I was staring at yet another bottle cap with "thanks for playing please try again", I had been furiously trying to win that cash prize all summer long. It dawned on me, this would make a great epitaph for my tombstone. Right? It is so existential. Maybe next time...I'll get the big house, perky tits, hunky husband and the perfect life. Is time running out for this life? I am only 35.

My reality is that I am the kind of person who get day after day, dusts off the failure and tries again. I keep cashing rainbows, right off the cliff. I am a divorced single mom who was laid off during the holidays this year. I had finally paid off $20,000 of ex-husbands dept and started IRAs for retirement. They are officially worth less than the stamps used to update me of their dwindling accounts. I was saving for a house and taking painfully dull first time homeowner classes. them boom, here I am picking myself up again.

For some reason it feels like a blessing, because I love to twist the cap off and think for only a moment that I might just be a winner this time.